Breaking news, your trans friend’s deadname adds nothing to a conversation.
I don’t care what your trans friend used to go by.
Actually, I really don’t want to know their deadname! And you shouldn’t either.
But Carmyn! I’m telling a story from before they came out! I need their deadname for the story to make sense.
Fuck no you don’t.
How to tell a story about your trans friend from before they came out (without being an ass):
Years ago, Ella and I were on the football team together.
No deadname needed! While some may assume Ella is a badass cis girl (or you went to a school with coed athletics), it does not add to the plot to say she used to go by ****.
Before Jack came out, I went on a lesbian cruise with him and his wife.
No deadname needed! We clarified pronouns, outlined that this was before he came out, and even shared the environment of the cruise.
My twin sister, Emily is coming as my plus one! You may remember her from when we were kids, but probably knew her as a different name.
No deadname needed! If they remember Emily, phenom, but if not, no worries, you’ll get to reintroduce them. “Probably knew her as a different name” is a great way of alleviating confusion without trashing the trans human you’re talking about.
We can understand stories without deadnames.
Sharing your trans homie’s deadname reveals where your allyship stops.
Saying “my friend Alex, formerly *****” only clarifies that you’ll say the same things about us when we’re not in the room.